Queen Bean

This is the story of a day that I will never forget, but can't seem to remember.

MAY 19, 1994

Today I woke up knowing that I would have some sort of closure. Some sort of end which would also be a beginning. All the tests were done. Blood was taken. MRIs were taken. Spinal fluid was taken. Brain waves were analyzed and sleep was deprived. After having gone through all of this, and eight years of being sick and not knowing why, today I would have an answer. I still had no idea what to do with this answer once it was given to me, but I knew I needed it. I needed proof that something was wrong with me. I needed it for myself as well as those around me.

I decided that I wanted to hear the news without my parents. I'm not sure why now. My friend, Jennifer, and my boyfriend at the time, John, took me to the doctor. Now, most of what happened at the doctor's office is a blur. I don't remember much. I do remember waiting in the exam room wondering what to hope for. My choices were Multiple Sclerosis(MS) and Lymphoma. If it was cancer, maybe they could just zap it with the chemo and radiation, and I'd be fine. If it was Multiple Sclerosis, there would be no real danger of death. Finally, I thought that if it was Lymphoma, and I've been waiting eight years for a diagnosis, then it was probably not going to be easily zapped. So, there you go. I hoped for MS. I bet there are very few people who can say that.
Finally, the doctor came in. Here's where it starts to get blurry. I know that he told me it was MS. I thought I'd feel relief, and in a way, I did, but this was not good news. I don't remember talking about the diagnosis. I don't even remember leaving the office. I do remember telling my family. They didn't seem to feel it at all. My grandmother said, "I don't believe that. You're not sick enough to have that!". I politely asked her where she'd been the last eight years. I went to Dairy Queen and told my boss. He showed more emotion than my family did.
And, so, this started the uphill battle with MS. This started the need to get over the fear of needles. This started the lessons that were so hard to learn, and yet so obvious. This started a long, hard journey. I am still on that journey, and will continue to learn the lessons.

So, I went for my 6 month check up dealio yesterday. He banged on my elbows and my knees, which always makes me laugh. Then he watched me walk up and down the hall (pervert). He had me do the heal-toe walk. Nope. I drunk. Can't do it.

Anyway, after that, he's looking at my file and the following conversation ensued:

dr: How are you doing so good when your MRI scan is SO ...
me: (interrupting) I KNOW!! It's so weird, isn't it?
dr: Yeah, but HEY (raises his hand for a high five). I'm just amazed you're functioning so well.
me: Well, maybe some of it has to do with me not working anymore. That was stressful.
dr: Yeah, that was very stressful for you.
me: Well, that, plus I'm awesome.
dr: (laughing) Yes. AND, modest!


In all honesty, though, the very first thing that popped into my head was that Zachary must have an "in" with God.

Some of you probably think I'm crazy for using such a title. How can a debilitating disease be a gift? You're right. I am crazy, but it has nothing to do with my title. That's actually a whole different post.

This will be one of the rare public posts because I feel like I should let anyone read who wants to.

For the record, I was officially diagnosed with MS on May 19, 1994. I believe the way I reacted was probably typical of the average 19 year old. I knew more than that doctor, or any other "adult". That is also a whole other post.

Anyway, the life lessons and challenges you learn to get through are priceless. We're taught in kindergarten to treat others as you would like to be treated. Don't make fun of someone just because they're different than you. And, so on and so forth. Sometimes, you just don't learn that lesson until you're smack on the other end of it.

I believe that sometimes you are stripped down to the bare bone, only for the purpose of being built back up. Yes, I do look at things from a Christian perspective, because I am a Christian. But, I also look at things from a common sense perspective, because I like to believe that I have at least a little of that.

What MS took from me: A huge portion of my hearing, and taking more of it all the time. My job and even being able to work. My own apartment. My independence. My energy. My memory. My concentration.

What MS gave me: Fear of the unknown. A bladder that thinks it's full like ALL the time. Depression. The shakes. Muscle spasms that keep me awake. Fatigue. Insomnia. Very poor balance. Dizziness. The wisdome to focus on the things that really matter, rather than the superficial things like a car or a big house or any of that crap, really. The knowledge that I do not know anyone else's real situation. My true friends. Empathy. Oh, I could go on all day.

My point is, MS is not a death sentence. It's a life sentence, and it doesn't necessarily mean a horrible life, either. Everyone has obstacles. Everyone has hurdles. Sometimes they just jump out and knock you on your ass. The good thing about that is you can almost always choose to get up and try again. And, sometimes you win.

Yes, I believe that a positive attitude goes a long way. I also believe in venting when things are sucky.

And, frankly, I've forgotten by now what else I was gonna say. It bees that way sometimes.